I don’t linger too long or dig my heels into those memories of him. I stop by for a visit most nights but can’t stay long. I’ve created so many playlists for this dead person, but mostly for me. This is how I conjure the catharsis of tears and smeared mascara. And if I’m … Continue reading Dining Alone
I haven’t posted anything ever since I lost the ability to string letters together to make words, and then string those together to make coherent sentences…or at least I keep telling myself I’ve lost it. I’ve misplaced a lot of things over the past several months, the least of which is my ability to function … Continue reading Nobody Will Notice I’m Dead
Dear Life: I am writing to inform you that I will be leaving this planet shorty after my dog departs. I do appreciate the opportunities you have given me, such as 29 years of depression and anxiety, an overall sense of hopelessness and an abundance of grief over the past few years. Also, thanks for … Continue reading Resignation Letter
I think I'm one of those people who is meant to live a solitary existence...maybe even in that Morrissey kind of way. I find myself no longer attracted to anyone, with the exceptions of Ryan Gosling, Alex Trebek and Aziz Ansari. So basically my expectations are unrealistic...unless you are reading this Ryan and are having relationship … Continue reading Wanted: A Contingent Companion
A playlist on what death can teach us about life. Watch. Learn. Reflect https://www.ted.com/playlists/505/what_death_can_teach_you_about I'm pretty obsessed with TED Talks thanks to my husband. I had never heard of TED Talks before meeting Jason in 2008, so when it came up in our conversation shortly after meeting I just nodded along as he spoke and … Continue reading Talk to Me TED
I ignored this blog for months and finally checked it today to discover many comments left back in September, October, December and January. I felt horrible for not reading and responding until today. I don't want anyone who took the time to visit my blog and share with me their own experiences, to think I … Continue reading 3 Years…does grief give out chips like AA?
I made it through the second anniversary of the day I now despise. I thought all of those "firsts" would be the most difficult but it turns out the "seconds" make your heart hurt just as much. I feel that much more distant from Jason, not that his star doesn't shine as brightly anymore but … Continue reading The “Seconds” suck too…
It’ll be two years in exactly two weeks. And I never imagined I could have survived the loss of him but somehow I’m begrudgingly here. I’ve gone through many coping mechanisms. There were periods of intense clinging to every little piece of him still left, including smelling his deodorant 20 times a day and memorizing … Continue reading How Did I Do?
My second holiday without Jason. All I can think is it will be over soon. It is impossibly difficult to be merry when the most important ingredients to the happy life you had planned are absent. The worst moment of this past year was at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve when everyone raised … Continue reading New Year, New Attitude…maybe
For the past several months I've been more of a spectator of my own life rather than an active participant. I've nurtured all the wrong things and ended up depleted and tired. And then I finally had a "screw that" moment.